As a special treat, Carolina coach John Fox provided an interview to Sports, The Mockery.
STM: First things first Coach Fox, thank you for giving us the time for this interview.
Coach Fox: Time has become an illusory concept to me and let me clarify that. Each week that passes is the same as the last. At first, I would see who we were playing and know what week it was based on that, but I lost all motivation to look at a schedule after some time. Then I would keep track of the weeks dragging me by the descending levels of despair and woe, but eventually it all washed together. My theory is that hopelessness has a lower bound of zero, it can't be expressed in negative numbers, unlike a significant portion of our passes. Once I reach zero, my despair could reach no lower, failed to change, and deprived me of my ability to measure time. Maybe I should contact an astrophysicist. They could provide me a measure of the universe degrading to a heat death and I could use that to keep track of the time.
STM: That's terrific. My first question. How disappointing is it for your team to be leading the NFL in losses?
Coach Fox: If you had a child who ended up 900 pounds, his formless body oozing into the crevasses of the couch he has occupied for the last few months, his body glistening in nauseating grease, you would understand.
STM: What has happened? How has your team ended up in this position?
Coach Fox: What would you expect if you put a 5 year old in a pit of ravenous lions?
STM: To be more specific, it seems as if your offense has been particularly ineffective. What were your offenses problems against Atlanta?
Coach Fox: To start the game, Jonathan Stewart fumbled the ball in our own territory to Atlanta. Thankfully, as I said above, I have already hit bottom and no longer feel anything new. From a purely logical standpoint, I can understand that Jonathan Stewart, still possessing some vigor or energy beyond that of simple involuntary behavior your body performs, was probably disappointed as he is one of the few players on this team who doesn't deserve to have his mind devoured by this execrable situation. Anyway, that play is emblematic of one of the problems of our offense, turnovers.
STM: What other issues is your offense having?
Coach Fox: Complete ineptitude by our QBs. We had six drives without a first down against Atlanta. If I still had the capacity for it, I would be shocked at the total of 13 first downs that we accumulated. In fact, we had 212 yards rushing against the Falcons, averaging 7.6 yards per rush. Do you know how bad your passing game has to be to turn that into 10 points? Well, here's a stat for you. We averaged 2.5 yards per pass play. I checked to see if those involved in the passing game have been watching scouting film from the 1920s, but alas, there was no such easy fixes.
STM: What other fixes have you tried?
Coach Fox: Some may have noticed the QB chipper on the sideline. Its basically a wood chipper modified to fit my QBs in there. It is fairly self explanatory. If a QB doesn't perform up to standard, they get shoved in, sometimes face first if I am feeling merciful, feet first if I think it could revive some connection to humanity, be it compassion or sadism. By the way, the QB chipper is not what made Jimmy Clausen's face look like a leprechaun whose face has been crushed by a hydraulic press. Unfortunately, as it seems with all of endeavors, especially Jake Delhomme, it was an exercise in futility.
STM: That sounds pretty unconventional.
Coach Fox: Sometimes good coaching requires an indifference to human suffering.
STM: Some have suggested you try to involve Steve Smith in the offense more.
Coach Fox: This season, Steve Smith is like receiving a Christmas card from one of your more cantankerous yet entertaining relatives. You open it, and inside you find a picture of their testicles painted red and green.
STM: How about your defense. What improvements could be made there?
Coach Fox: The defense is deceptive like a stomach ulcer. It is constant. Painful. Sometimes causes vomiting. It can be confused with something less harmless, like acid reflux or heartburn. But it may be bleeding inside of you. Killing you. Spraying your insides with stomach acids. Some statistics indicate it is merely below average, 24th in points per drive and 14th in yards per drive. However, it is the steadily growing cancer eating my life while the offense is the multiple gunshot wounds bleeding me to death
(Note: At this point John Fox stared at me, his eyes not vacant, yet betraying an emptiness and I knew infinity.)
STM: There are rumors that you will be fired at the end of the season you will be fired. Do you have any comment on that.
Coach Fox: I used to believe that the death penalty was inhumane. The many flaws in the process let injustice seep through and the very wait for death is similar to torture. I face the headman's ax now and it has convinced me to support the death penalty with the appeals process removed. On a somewhat related note, the organization has decided that I am never to be left alone.
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