In the continuing effort to document the dismal in today's NFL, I offer commentary on the teams competing for the best pick in the NFL Draft. Like the screams from a bonfire of children, the number of teams in competition for the top pick dwindle as the spectacle continues. The teams remaining in the hunt are:
The Buffalo Bills (3-10)
The Cincinnati Bengals (2-11)
The Denver Broncos (3-10)
The Detroit Lions (3-10)
The Carolina Panthers (1-12)
The Carolina Panthers are clearly the favorite in the race. Their dangerous combination of mediocre defense and consistently depressing offense has been too much for the other top teams to handle.
Today I handle the Buffalo Bills. You can find previous week's commentaries here - http://sonsofsamhorn.net/index.php?app=forums&module=post§ion=post&do=reply_post&f=54&t=60602
Buffalo defeats Cleveland, 13-6
When one watches terrible football, you hope for entertainment in the form of absurd mistakes you see as the play develops and comical ineptitude. If we can watch comedies centered around such happenstance, surely the reality is all the funnier. Unfortunately, Buffalo could not deliver. They were efficient on both sides of the ball, a fumble lost by their offense being the only serious blemish. Fitzpatrick continued his surprising positive performance on the season, the best display of this occurring when he drove the Bills offense 89 yards in 8:14. He managed to get two first downs with his legs on said drive and provided the TD at the end with and accurate strike to the middle of the end zone, hitting a diving David Nelson.
The Browns did deliver. They delivered in myriad ways. Before a recap of the game, a few choice moments where the Browns reverted back to their play earlier in the season, when they devoted themselves to a higher cause, that of losing football.
In retrospective, the first signs of the distinct artistry of Cleveland's absurd football would be the fumbles. Cleveland had 5, a good start if you want to entertain while displaying no proficiency in the sport. Another sign that the Cleveland game was not merely mediocre but abjectly absurd was Jake Delhomme's presence as starter. Of course, the Browns choices were The Agin' Cajun or Seneca "Why?" Wallace. The Browns, apparently concerned that Seneca's brief bursts of competency might lure them into calling more pass plays went with the experienced failure.
Cleveland's game began innocuously. They ran the ball down the Bills' all too willing throat. Sure, the Bills said it was merely a special treat they were doing for the Browns, but those familiar with the Bills knew this to be untrue. Of course, when Cleveland rushes successfully, my favorite running back in the NFL is involved. The White Water Rapids rushed forth, drowning the Bills in his wrath and fury. It was almost too late that the Bills discovered the way to stop White Water Rapids is by deploying their white defenders. Paul Posluszny, Chris Kelsay, and Kyle Williams finally repelled Peyton Hillis like ends of a magnet with same polarity. Phil Dawson completed the alabaster drive with a field goal.
The Bills first drive had a promising start, but ended like your younger brother's high school career, in a McDonald's dumpster. The Bills often led by Ryan "Dirty Crimson" Fitzpatrick meandered their way to a first down. With their new set of downs, their masochistic fans got what they so ecstatically wanted. Fitzpatrick dropped back and dropped the ball as Gocong sacked him. Gocong recovered the ball and the Bills fans were awash in painful ecstasy and Bud Light.
The next drive, The White Water Rapids demonstrated how his surging power often lead to clumsy destruction of even his own desires. The first play, Hillis burst up the middle and attempted to hurdle Jairus Byrd. Unfortunately for Peyton, Byrd was standing upright. Unable to leap 6 feet in the air, he instead awkwardly collided with the surprised Byrd, the ball coming loose. Before it landed on the ground, Kyle Williams gathered the ball in and lumbered down the field, reminding everyone of the famous land whale. The next two drives were uneventful, Jake Delhomme showing his veteran knack for incompletions and woefully short passes.
After the Bills devoured the Cleveland defense and managed a TD, the Cleveland offense managed two of three successful passes on the day, a 34 yard pass to Massaquoi and a 15 yard pass to Robiskie. Jake "Rex Grossman Club Member" Delhomme, drunk with power, threw three more passes in the drive for 1, 4, and 0 yards due to an incompletion. Jake congratulated himself on exceeding his abysmally low standards as the ball split the uprights for a successful field goal, his simpering notwithstanding. The Steve Grogan of Harvard managed a field goal drive to end the half, establishing a 10-6 lead over the Browns.
The second half began with punts galore. Brian "The Fastest Man in the NFL" Moorman shanked his first but got a second try as Delhomme's completion percentage predictably sunk.
Peyton Hillis' constant nemesis, contact from the opposing team, confronted him the next drive. He was like you trying to get off your partner, fumbling everywhere but making dubious recoveries, desperately fighting every setback so that the slick sexy black guy from the bar the night doesn't pick up your mistakes. Of course, once Peyton got in on the action, Delhomme jumped in as well. On a reverse to Josh Cribbs, Jake ran into the running back while faking the handoff. Cribbs, feeling ignored with Cleveland's infatuation with its new toy, a good white running back, got the ball stripped from him. Buffalo managed not to recover any of these fumbles, but the crowd still got to enjoy watching Jake Delhomme dart around like a frightened chipmunk while he barely evaded sacks and dumped off the ball 10 yards short of the first down. Buffalo, not wanting to upstage Cleveland's brilliant comedic performance, opted for the boring 3 and out.
Cleveland, in a bizarre re-enactment of the 2004 NFL season, put the ball in Jake Delhomme's incapable hands. His short passes struck sobriety in the hearts of Cleveland fans and inspired raucous laughter from the Bills fans who were convinced that Jake Delhomme was merely Trent Edwards in disguise. His fumble was a brilliant variation on the theme. Recovered by Buffalo, it would have been a sure TD had the officials not originally ruled it a forward pass. Delhomme managed the rare feat of turning the ball over and still instilling mild irritation on the part of opposing fans, a feat we should salute. While Delhomme did fumble the ball, the officials originally ruled the play a forward pass, stifling what would have been a sure TD. Buffalo advanced to Cleveland's 1, but had to settle for a field goal. In a fit of sanity, Cleveland returned to running the ball, Peyton clutching it zealously, like you clutch your Star Wars action figures still preserved in the original box, you stupid little mongrel humanoid.
At this point, Buffalo recognized a team willing to bring about their own failure, having watched film on their own performances several times. They relaxed and let Delhomme sling the ball and Cleveland fans' mild satisfaction with the current team into a black hole of anguish. He followed his signature short pass and incompletion with a spectacular rainbow into the sky. The Buffalo crowd watched breathlessly as Delhomme's pass soared then plummeted into the hands of the frequently hapless Leodis McKelvin. McKelvin commented afterwards, saying that hopefully the interception meant that no more penises would spray painted on his lawn for the time being. In a mirror image of the beginning of the game, Freddy "Even a Blind Squirrel Finds a Nut in the Winter" Jackson pulverized Cleveland's run defense, ending the game and Buffalo's three game losing streak against the Browns.
Unlike many teams who have been in the race to the bottom, Buffalo has encountered many little victories along the way. They avoided going defeated by beating Detroit. They mounted the Ohio teams and gave neither mercy nor quarter. And while they suffered their usual excruciating losses and worsened their RAPELS, their offense has provided some form of entertainment that was lacking in previous seasons. Ever since the hallowed days of Doug Flutie, the Bills have presented a brand of offense featuring either running games so grinding that they ground to a halt and a parade of QBs of declining talent. The limited but competent Drew "Wine Connoisseur" Bledsoe gave way to the strong armed but hesitant J.P. "Pat the Ball" Losman gave way to Trent "Eep" Edwards. Ryan Fitzpatrick may present another problem, an infuriating lack of accuracy, but he seems to read defenses well enough and throws a good enough long ball that he can at least keep Bills fans from just going to the parking, inhaling the exhaust fumes, and experiencing peaceful, permanent sleep.
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